Head of the Class

Melissa and I took our early pregnancy class this week. It was LONG. And while the two hours was mostly stuff we already knew… there’s always something new to learn.

Here are the top five things I learned:

1. SOMEONE’S JOB TITLE IS “LACTATION CONSULTANT”. Their job is to tell you how to breastfeed. There’s apparently a lot more to it than just mouth to boob. I guess a lot of women who struggle with this. I did not know this.

2. SOMEONE ELSE’S JOB TITLE IS “DOULA”. I’d never heard of this before. Neither had Melissa. Here’s the definition: “A woman who assists another woman during labor and provides support to her, the infant, and the family after childbirth.” Translation: No medical skill.

3. KEGEL EXERCISES CAN BE DONE AT ANYTIME. From now on when I see a woman sitting by herself at a stoplight… I’ll know what she’s doing.

4. ANOTHER REASON TO AVOID SHARKS. Not only can they eat you, you can get sick eating them. Note to self: avoid them in the ocean and at the grocery store.

5. I MAY HAVE TOXOPLASMOSIS. The symptoms include: fever (check) headache (check)… and stiff neck (check, check, check). Then again, you get this from handling cat feces, which thankfully I haven’t done much of lately.

The last thing I learned, we have a lot more to learn. There are about a dozen other classes to take… some on how to get ready for the baby, some on how to take care of the baby once they’re here.

There’s even a class to remind you how to get ready for a second child. I guess it’s comforting to know that even when you have kids, there’s still more to learn.

(Note to Kaiser: If you’re going to hold a 2-hour pregnancy class at 6 p.m. you might want to provide food. I swear one woman looked like she was going to slather me in BBQ sauce.)

Assignment: Consignment

Melissa and I went to this big Baby-Consignment sale tonight. I could write about it, but I don’t think I could do the experience justice. Luckily, I was armed with my iPhone.

This picture isn't out of focus. It's just that my eyes have glazed over. This place is overwhelming. Those people on the right... they are in the middle of the checkout line which you can see neither the beginning nor the end from here.

I'm in no way a snob. I'm just not sure I want to buy clothes someone else's kid puked on.

Bjorn of plenty. I tried one of these on. I couldn't get the smell out of my shirt afterward. That's not good.

Hemorrhoid donut? Nope. This is something called a "boppy". Still don't know what it's used for.

Whoa... St. Elmo's Fire! This is like the 7th Circle of Sesame Street Hell.

There are a lot of things I'm willing to buy second-hand. A used toilet is DEFINITELY not one of them.

A Quick By the Numbers

12

The number of weeks Melissa has been pregnant.

It’s a major milestone because once you get there the chances of miscarriage dramatically decrease. It’s also the number of weeks we agreed to get to before we started telling our family, friends and coworkers.

We’ve started telling people and the number one response: “I knew it”.

So how did all these people know? They say our recent SUV purchase and my hurry to get to the doctor was the give away. Who knew everyone was a pregnancy detective?

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160

Our baby’s number of heart beats per minute.

Melissa got to hear the beating heart at the doctor’s office the other day. The doc said the heart sounded strong. That’s good news.

Two different people told us an old wives tale about a heart rate 160 or higher means you’re having a girl. I’m not putting my faith in it. Maybe that’s because one of those people has a daughter who had a heart rate of 150. The other: a boy who had a rate of 172.

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1,000,000

That’s how many pieces of advice we’re already getting.

None of it has been better than from my grandma who told Melissa, “don’t get skinny after you have the baby or you’ll just get pregnant again”.

Ok then.

A Walk to Remember

“I’m going to be a terrible father!”

Yep, I said it. And I meant it (at least at the time).

Those are the words that pretty much wrapped up our unintentional and VERY long walk this weekend in Palm Springs.

It all started out pretty simple. Melissa and I were going for a short walk on the golf cart path next to our hotel. Turns out pedestrians aren’t allowed. Apparently, our lives were at risk from an errant golf ball or so the old man in the golf cart told us (he actually told us he’d been hit by a ball or two and I guess it really hurts).

So around the 6^th hole, we left the course and entered the country club neighborhood. This place was a maze. One turn looked like the next, which looked like the next. Pretty soon we felt like we were (and we were) walking in circles.

Like Moses wandering in the desert, we eventually found our way (in this case to the main gates). Unlike Moses, we couldn’t get them to part. We were trapped. Luckily, we only had to wait a few minutes for a car to leave and we followed them out. That’s when we realized we had no idea where we were.

So here’s where my bad parenting comes in. We were only going to take a short walk, so we didn’t take WATER or a CELL PHONE. I took my pregnant wife on a walk in Palm Springs, in a neighborhood neither of us knew, without WATER or a CELL PHONE?!?!

The good news: it wasn’t that hot… yet.

The bad news: we were still a long ways from home.

Eventually and with the help of the Holiday Inn Express we figured out where we were and more importantly how to get back to where we wanted to be.

In all, we probably walked 5 or 6 miles. Let’s just call the bad planning a bump along a very long journey into parenthood. Even longer than our walk in Palm Springs.

Don't let the picture fool you, you don't want to be lost here.

Now it's Officially Official!

In the circle on the right... that's my kid!

I've never been more nervous for someone else's doctor appointment before... until today. We met with our OBGYN today for the first time since Melissa became pregnant.

Here's what I learned.

Number 1: Be prepared for a lot of paperwork. Here's the good news, none of it's for dad. Still, it takes mom a long time to fill out.

Number 2: Bring questions. My wife brought a list. I brought... some table scraps in my mind. Bad idea. Next time, I'm writing it down so I don't forget.

Number 3: Brace yourself... you're going to be a FATHER!

The third one is probably most important. All of a sudden, this somewhat mythical being you've been talking about for the last few weeks is... well... real.

First, the doctor gives you a due date. (Mark April 11th everyone, we're going to try to get this kid in under the tax deadline!) Next, you get the ultrasound picture (above). It's like this... remember sticking your tongue against a battery when you were a kid. You knew you were going to get a jolt, but you were always surprised by how much. These two pieces of information are exactly like that... a sharp jolt of reality.

After the appointment with the doctor, Melissa filled out more paperwork. We started looking at pregnancy classes (I guess they teach you how to be pregnant).

Something else we learned today that might come into play in about 7 months... our delivery hospital is anywhere between 20 and 40 minutes away. It all depends on the traffic and the time of day. Let's hope labor starts in the middle of the night.